And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. [2 Corinthians 12:9]
It has been a while! Well really, it hasn't. I have been THINKING about this post for several weeks now, and it has shaped and molded it's way through my thinker several times. Blogging has been a bit difficult for me because I haven't had too many positive thoughts to share, and I try not to be TOO real. I mean, why would we be 100% honest on the interwebs right? This is where we get to make up our own realities and pretend that our lives are perfect and that we shower every day. (not that I don't...)
But to be honest, the last few months have been hard. The reality of pregnancy is that my body has become a vessel. It is no longer 100% my own, and as this little boy grows and progresses, my psyche has sent me on a downward spiral back to the days before I learned to have confidence in myself. I can't tell you how many times I have cried about the way I currently look...No bueno my friends.
A few weeks ago, a friend posted a series of pictures on instagram with this caption: Before I got pregnant there was always something I wantd to work on to look better. Once I became pregnant, I finally loved every aspect of my body. I truly felt 100% beautiful and I still feel that way! I love my body for what it brought me and what it does for me. Yes, I still work out hard, but it's not to improve my looks, it's to just be healthy, to be able to play with [my daughter] and to love myself.
I'm not gonna lie, it made me cry (not that that is hard to do right now or anything). It was perfect and cutting all at the same time because I just don't feel that! And I want to! I couldn't reconcile myself with it until I listened to a BYU Devotional from 2011 called "Be ye therefore perfect" by then BYU President Cecil O. Samuelson (whoosh Cecil! If you never went to a BYU basketball game while he was president, that won't make sense to you...). In it, he talked about what it meant to be perfect and it all just hit me!
He said "Unfortunately, we also see those who blame themselves unduly when circumstances were not completely under their own control. This is not only unproductive but can be debilitating. Let us be clear: No one is perfect in everything and likely will not be any time soon. Almost thirty years ago I heard Elder Bruce R. McConkie, then a member of the Quorum of the Twelve, explain to a group of university students that “you can’t be purer than pure.”
First and foremost, I need to keep reminding myself that my body is currently doing a pretty amazing thing. I am growing another human! And still doing my daily life things at the same time! And learning karate! Okay maybe not that part, but still! It is amazing what I am doing whithout even changing my schedule. And instead of being angry that a 12 minute mile is about as fast as I can muster right now, I should just focus on how absolutely amazing it is that I can still waddle a 12 minute mile while growing a baby!
Another point that President Samuelson made was that perfection is a process-a lifelong process! And that when we push too hard for perfection now, we miss out on the benefits and lessons that come with patience. (yup, my least favorite thing to talk about...since I have none) President Samuelson said 'Thoughtful patience is part of the perfection process...The admonition for patience seems to imply multiple efforts and necessary time as part of our quest for perfection rather than sudden spurts or immediate events... All of the standard works are replete with references to the expectation of perfection, and yet all seem to acknowledge that the perfecting of the Saints is a process that is likely never to be absolutely complete in mortality."
This body of mine, this wonderful body that I have spent so much time dispising and hating and wishing it was skinnier or taller or different in about every way possible is something that I will be working on for the rest of my life. It is the greatest gift I have ever been given and while yes, I should do everything in my power to make it the best body it can be, I should not be something that I let make me any less happy because hey! I'm growing a baby! As President Samuelson said, "we may not be happy with our deficiencies but we also should not be incapacitated by them...Our perfection is a very long process and not an event or even a fairly short series of progressive events."
One of the greatest chapters in the Book of Mormon (in my opinion, obviously) is the very last chapter in the entire book. Moroni is wrapping up what must have been a very difficult, tidious and time consuming work, one that I am sure was very frustrating and I am sure at times he felt his weakness staring him in the face (I mean, he was chipping away on metal plates, he probably spent a couple of angry nights banging out mistakes and being very annoyed that he didn't have a steadier hand or better penmenship). And in the midst of all of this he teaches such a powerful lesson on weakness and patience. He says:
Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God. And again, if ye by the grace of God are perfect in Christ, and deny not his power, then are ye sanctified in Christ by the grace of God, through the shedding of the blood of Christ, which is in the covenant of the Father unto the remission of your sins, that ye become holy, without spot. [Moroni 10:32–33]
HOLY AND WITHOUT SPOT! DOESN'T THAT SOUND AMAZING?!?!
President Samuelson concluded his address with this thought: "For me, this is the great secret and the tremendous comfort that a clear understanding of the Savior’s Atonement and grace provides. We do not and cannot become perfect in everything by ourselves. We achieve eventual perfection because of, not in spite of, His grace. In a real sense we are called to be partners with Him in the perfection process. He knows what we do not know and has the strength we do not have. He asks that we do our part, but He does ask that we really do our part. How do we do our part? We try our very best, understanding that we have both strengths and weaknesses."
I cannot become my best self without the Savior. I love that line: We achieve eventual perfectiong BECAUSE OF not INSPITE OF His grace! Without Him, there will be no perfection, so instead of moping and refusing to document any part of this pregnancy with pictures (you probably noted the lack of pictures of my lower half, or actually you probably didn't because you don't pay that much attention to my selfies because lets face it, you have a life.) I need to do the best I can and then be happy and love the skin I'm in. I hope to someday be so comfortable with my body that I can work out because I enjoy it and not because I feel like I need to change everything about myself, but in the mean time, I will rely on the Savior and be the best I can be.
Let the bumpies begin! And seriously, how cool would a shark mouth be?! Love that kid!
