I've been struggling with a huge trial. Well, if I'm going to be honest, SEVERAL huge trials, but one that has really rattled my testimony and made my life a lot harder than it should be. Its been almost a year and I have found that the more I work at this, the bigger the trial seems to become. I can't fix it because it involves the agency of others which is the hardest most frustrating type of trial I have ever experienced. It brings me back to my mission days where I would walk out of houses so broken because of their inability to see the truth. It's been rough. (Side note, this trial does not involve Tyler, he is perfect. :)
Yesterday, Tyler and I sat down in sacrament meeting and before the meeting even began, I looked at him and said 'I can't do this today.' And then immediately started bawling. Most days I can smile and shrug it off, but yesterday I just couldn't handle it and I wanted to go home. Then I realized it was the Primary program (my FAVORITE Sunday) and I really started crying because I wanted to hear it, but didn't know if I could make it through. Tyler wrapped his arm around me and together we made it through.
I skipped Sunday School (sorry dad!) because I just needed a moment to myself and then I went to class with my Beehives. The lesson was on Why it was important to be grateful and we of course read some scriptures, heard some stories and my fabulous Beehives (yes, they are mine) did so wonderful at responding and answering and not making it difficult for our teacher (who is also fabulous) to teach this lesson. Then Audrey (our fabulous teacher) shared a story of a tough day she had had that week and how in the midst of her frustration, she realized that she was only looking at the things she didn't have, and not seeing the blessings that Heavenly Father had given her. It was that simple, and yet for the last year, instead of looking at all the ways I was changing and growing, all I had been looking at was the way that this situation hadn't changed.
It is so tough when we are asked to do things that aren't as easy as we think they should be. It is so hard when we don't understand why stumbling blocks have been put in our paths and we keep falling time and time again. It is so frustrating when the things we think should happen don't, but it is also so amazing to see the things that are happening.
In the last year I have felt so loved by the Young Women I work with and have learned to love them with a pure and christ like love-something that has always been difficult for me. I have been impressed by their testimonies and have been uplifted by their kind hearts. I have learned to rely on my Father in Heaven and to share my strugglies with Tyler, who I have learned is a great partner in all things. I have been blessed to walk a little bit of the road to Gethsemne, and instead of counting the thorns, I should have been counting all the ways that it has changed me for good. I will never face a calling the same way again.
I can complain about how hard things are for me, but whatever difficulties I face will never compare with the pain and suffering Our Savior went through. Our Father in Heaven must have also struggled as he watched his only begotten son suffer. Am I to think that I should not have to struggle?
I am grateful for trials. They help us to become the people the Lord needs us to be. I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way.
